By Ajit Narayan
Ajit works as the Asia head of strategic planning for a top BTL firm
He also runs a successful blog called Direct Response
The top 20 hits.
1. A good agency is the one that manages client perception.(How the hell did level of moronic monstrosity become a meteric?)
2. A great agency is the one that always says yes to the client regardless of the most inane remarks!
3. A fantastic agency has lots of feminine oomph to show when the chips are down! (which is almost always the case) (Read with the addendum on point number 1)Ennah thighs amma? 4. Speaking the truth is treated as merely being factually correct and passé and not “in” (Whoever said which helps in transparent, clear and razor sharp functioning and focussing on the real quality of work was an idiot)
5. Therefore, consistent lying is a good management practice.
6. A good idea is only as good as the clients perceptions and personal opinions of it. (Hey that top button of her shirt is open. Good view. I am getting great ideas!)
7. A great idea is sacrilege and a sin as the clients perceptions are exactly the opposite. (Refer in conjunction to Rule number 2.)
8. Disorganised sessions, deliberating potty issues is ideating. (Ideas are creative remember? And creative people are disorganised, so the morons in all departments need to at least “look” creative )
9. Strategy is credentials. Copywriting is strategy.Sales Promotions on one end and on the other end esoteric expressions of art and English is BRANDING.(Going round and round in circles over 100 slides is strategy as well you dummy!)
10. Identifying consumer benefits is passé. (All features are benefits only stupid, why are you repeating the same thing?)
11. Clever lines are briefs, see my lines come in the ad! (Saale, Hinglish mein bol, the Gen Hex wonly knows Hinglish)
12. Withholding information is the greatest asset, even though the person holding it has no clue on what it is, what quality it is and the relevance of it.
13. Integration or whatever it is that all these big agencies call what they are doing is copying from ads and putting in the same in a mailer, a press release or backdrop for events or emailing or shoving it up …
14. Communication must sell stupid unnecessary products, which everyone deems unfit to use at a profit or else it does not work at all. (Hey remember Akio Morita created walkmans, which sold like soaps even though research indicated otherwise so why can’t we?)
15. Sure I heard that the client is always right. But I know is he wrong so I’ll cover my ass by saying yes to the client and then tell my boss to do something about it! (Read first sentence yet again)
16. Planning is the nuance of creating esoteric consumer target audience definitions which have no relevance to the market place what-so-ever.
17. Customers? Who are customers? Those idiots who bought the lemons we sell? To hell with them!
18. Service? Who the hell cares? We’ll create mundane marketing programmes and cheat customers. They should come back right?
19. Idea integration is direct marketing and PR and other communication methodologies greatest invention where everyone copies everyone else.
20. Internet? What is that? Aah that website? Okay lets put that brochure up there “flaaash animation da that’s what’s in”. Ah it seems its becoming a numbers game also!
By Ajit Narayan